Cullen chat!
by XxTwiGuyxX
Summary: Join the Cullens as they message each other online! What drama will this cost in the real world? Is Edward Emo? Will Nessie's teddy live? Will Jasper urinate on his cowboy hats? Will Carlisle get an ex-ray of his dick? Will Jacob hump a tree? Will the Volturi be involved? And the Denali's? Will Emmett win a monkey? Will the Monkey be a bad monkey ? 2nd story, please read and review


**Dunno why but I thought of this random shit and wrote this so then my girlfriend found it and said I had to publish it and said if I did not she'd do it for me as she knows my account details. **

**The names are not hard to figure out but the things are at the end.**

**Please review and make writing this worth it?**

**I know this shit is not possible in twilight but fuck it, it's my story!**

**So don't gimmie shit about that shit in the comments!**

**Thnx!**

**Cullen Chat**

**The Cullen's have recently became crazy, you see, a patient at Forks Hospital where Carlisle Cullen is employed at freaked out at this needle and pushed it away, the needle fell and stabbed Carlisle in the dick. He knew what was in the needle – crazy medicine – so being crazy Carlisle did not think of the terrifying consequences that could have occurred and that will occur. So being the intelligent doctor Carlisle is – he decided to pollute every animal in the woods with crazy medicine – resulting in all the Cullen's going crazy. **

**Emmett Cullen however, was already crazy to begin with, so fuck knows how he got on….**

"**Rosie looks a duck!" Emmett exclaimed hugging a cereal box.**

**Esme saw her adoptive son and shrieked; "Emmett, don't be silly that's a Penguin!" She slid out her tongue and stuck it out at him; he whined, folded his arms and ran off in a mood. **

**Esme took off her top replacing it with a bin bag, she then danced on her table before shouting random things about Corn dogs, and she then fell to the floor laughing about Carlisle making out with his reflection in the mirror. **

"**Rosie looks!" Emmett shouted again but this time pointing to an online chatting text thing as he referred to it as. **

"**It's an online chatting text thingy look Rosie!" **

**So then at that moment they joined the site.**

**Grizzly-bear: ROAR!**

**Un-sleeping-beauty: Shut up Emmett!**

**Grizzly-bear: Aw, Rosie, don't be mad! *does pouty bear face***

**Un-sleeping-beauty: That sex last night is the only thing that makes me want to forgive you, so I forgive you.**

**Grizzly-bear: YAY!**

**Un-sleeping-beauty: If…..**

**Grizzly-bear: Awh!**

**Un-sleeping beauty: Has left for private chat.**

**Grizzly-bear: YAY!**

**Grizzly-bear: Has left for private chat.**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Hellooooooooooooo?**

** : Hello Jasper!**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Hello! how are you?**

** : Good, I'm cleaning, which as you know always makes me happy!**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: But your messaging?**

** : I can do two thing sat once. **

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Okay….**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: Hello.**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Hello.**

** : Edward, honey please change your screen name, you sound like an emo.**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: I am not emo, I'm just confused about humanity. **

**Edward sat in the corner sliding a blade over his wrist, between his legs was a note book full of depressing emo poems, he then was texting in the other hand.**

'**Oh Edward, when will you learn? VAMPIRES DON'T BLEED! Unless they are wearing fake mush tashers!' Alice thought skipping out of the room and into another. **

**Ness_is_the_best: HI DADDY, HI EVERYONE ELSE!**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Hello Nessie!**

** : Morning sweetheart! How'd you sleep?**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: Hi Nessie! Did mom say you could make an account?**

**Ness_is_the _best: Yes, mom made me one, I slept great (I was afraid of bad dreams so I slept with mommy and daddy.**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Lol**

**Ness_is_the_best: What's lol?**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: It means: laugh out loud. It is a text abbreviation. **

**Ness_is_the_best: What was so funny then?**

**xXConfederatesRULEunionSUCKSXx: Nothing, nothing.**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Ness I fixed teddies head.**

**Ness_is_the_best: YAY! THANK YOU MOM!**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: What happened to Teddy?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Got destroyed in you know what**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: Ohhhhhhh…..**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Edward! Seriously you should change your screen name!**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: what to?**

**Fuck_like_an_animal: How about bloodsucker motherfucker?**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: Watch it wolf!**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: I'll change it for you.**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: How, you don't know my password?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Yes I do.**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: How?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Emmett changed it but I know what it is, BTW, don't use the word 'password' for your password.**

**Bronze-HAIR-black-SOUL: my 'password' is something I thought of myself, I chose my password.**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Brb**

**Eddykins: So what did Emmett- WTF? EDDIEKINS?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: I like it!**

**Eddykins: Bella!**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: It was either that or :**

**Lion-loves-the-lamb**

**Gold-eyes-gold-heart**

**Bronze&beautiful**

**Eddieluvsbellsie&Nessie**

**Bronze_boy**

**Mr Volvo**

**EdwardlovesVolvos**

**I_BIT_A_PILLOW (A/N: Don't get it? Edward bit a pillow at isle Esme…..)**

**Worlds-most-dangerous-predator or xXEmo_EddieXx**

**Want me to change it to something else?**

**Eddykins: Can I think of one myself?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Nope, Brb**

**Fuck_like_an_animal: You bit a pillow?**

**Eddykins: Long story…..**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Right, you like your screen name now?**

**Bronze&beautiful: Better then Eddykins.**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: I don't get it, I call you Eddykins all the time.**

**Bronze&beautiful: Yeah, but, never mind… so what did Emmett change my password too?**

**xXDanger_MagnetXx: Gaylord Eddie**

**Fuck_like_an_animal: Ha! So are you gay?**

**Bronze&beautiful: NO!**

**Fuck_like_an_animal: No need to raise your caps man, we're all good here, calm it!**

**Wal*mart_luver: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A!**

**A scream was heard from another room each Cullen and the woofy side kick Jacob ran to the rescue, Alice stood screaming!**

"**Alice what is wrong?" Jasper asked scratching his dick.**

"**WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLMAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!" She cried referring to her screen name on the random chat online text thingy.**

**A low snicker came from up the stairs.**

"**EMMETT WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PILLOW CASE!" Shouted Carlisle before admiring his princess costume in the elegant mirror his wife picked out on a previous shopping trip.**

"**Why do you shout at me for no reason!" Emmett yelled running upstairs sulking into his pillow body.**

"**So Alice, just to clarify you're 'tragic screaming moment' you were screaming in the living room due to the fact that Emmett, you're adoptive brother and fellow coven member changed your screen name to an associated brand known as Wal*Mart, you have neglected other less wealthy brands, do you feel ashamed of your inner soul now? Do you know why I am disappointed? Cause average and decent people shop at Wal*Mart and it is unable to process in my mind how you, such a golden hearted but yet selfish girl, can be so cruel to innocents, why insult the agency of Wal*Mart, why hurt the feelings of the once possibly satisfied customers of Wal*Mart? Your no better then a spoilt, rich diva strutting around with your little dog in your bags and your heels higher then the Empire state building, you discus me you filthy creature!" Renesmee wisely announced.**

"**Oh." Said everyone besides from Renesmee "Um…."**

"**I'VE WON A MONKEY!" Emmett boomed racing around the living room doing his monkey dance.**

_**DING GONG…,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,**_

"**A KNOCK AT THE DOOR I WONDER WHO IT MAY BE?" Jacob questioned to the Cullen's and himself.**

"**A monkey delivery for Emmett Cullen." A small man who looked like a freckly Patrick Stump announced at the door.**

"**MY MONKEY!" Emmett yelled with excitement "I'm gonna name it Beef Jerky!" **

'**Oh no!' each and every Cullen and Jacob thought, the monkey ran away….**

**OKAY REVIEW!**

**In the next episode the Monkey's escape plan is up someone arse, kidding, kidding lol, now in the next chapter the Cullen's and Jacob are searching for a troublesome monkey, that is the plot of the story. In the next episode Carlisle gets an X-ray of his dick.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!?**

**First one to review gets a hiccupping horse!**


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